Blog #8 - Walmart - 12/12/2024
Went to Walmart today with my dad to do some christmas shopping. At first I stuck with him but after he got a bit snippy becuase I simply asked him to say please, I just cut my losses and headed off on my own a bit early.
Got my mom a coffeemaker since i thought she'd appreciate it. We do have one currently but it's one of those super cheap ones from Dollar General. I wanted to get gifts that were practical. I also got her a coffee mug too.
Navigating aisles is weird for sure. You can tell that they're designed to drive straight through and not to stop and turn around mid-aisle if you change your mind; Probably so people can be exposed to more products whilst in a specific area.
I got my sibling a thermos. They're starting a table waiting job at a hotel soon and I know that they'll probably be on their feet most the day, so I thought they'd benefit from something that they could store liquids in so they can remain hydrated throughout their day. (Please excuse my weirdly articulate autistic word use, that is just how I speak.)
Wanted to go into the cutlery and pans section but there was this old lady hovering around there for super long. I prefer to go into empty aisles as I have really weird anxiety. I kept leaving and coming back and she was still there. Perhaps she was looking for a perfect knife... for... MURDER!! ha, haha, ha. ha.
ha.
Got my dad one of those neat searing gril pans since we was looking at it another time we went. He seemed interested in it but he didn't wanna spend money on it, I guess.
Other crap happened, idk, too tired to write about this anymore, not feeling great. Besides, I wrote most of this way earlier on my iPhone 6s when we was on our way back from Walmart.
Blog #7 - Depression Always Persists - 12/10/2024
You know, I was having a good day today. Got a lot of incredibly important writing done, got my phone plan renewed. Today was going decently if I'm to be honest. Then my dad misgendered me to a stranger whilst on the phone. Whatever. After I was done, I corrected him, went on with my day, whatever. But after that, I just kinda started feeling worse for no reason. Sucks.
Update: Took a small break after writing this (the break was VERY long and I washed my hair.). I feel a bit better now as I'm finally getting to install my copy of Unreal Tournament III I've had for like, years.
Blog #6 - Emptiness and Exhaustion - 12/09/2024
I feel just kinda empty and exhausted as of late. A lot of stress has been getting to me that frankly deeply hinders my ability to work on things I feel passionate about, hell it even makes me not wanna speak.
Depression is a hell of a bitch, and right now, it's hitting me hard. Don't know if it's specicially seasonal or not, but either way, it's depression. That and a whooole lot of yearning on the side too.
I genuinely just wish that I could go places and do things and be someone and be apart of a community which accepts me, but if I am to be honest, with where I live,(a shitty trump town) it is almost impossible, and that fuckin' stings.
I don't have a car. I don't have a driver's lisence, nor a learner's permit. I don't have a job. I don't have friends irl. I don't go places. I used to go to therapy, but I felt dissatisfied with the progress I was making so I stopped going. I don't want this anymore.
I should be going back to therapy soon, a different place. It's one I at least trust that will respect me. Hopefully I can work on these issues there, but will it really be enough? Will leaving my house one day out of the week really be enough to sate my feelings of being imprisoned in my own mind?
And then there's the problems I don't even know if I'll be touching in therapy, like relationships and love. I do not like talking about love and relationships a lot. It makes me feel really weird. It just makes me feel... creepy, I guess? Weird? Gross? Dweeb-esque? I can't think of a great term / word to use, so I suppose that will do. I have a lot of personal stigma regarding talking about relationships because of ✨trauma✨, but I really need to scream sometimes. I really need to let out the extent of just how lonely I feel sometimes. that's natural, right?? This is my personal blog and ultimately a space where I can be vulnerable, so sure.
Is it so bad to want to feel loved? Is it so bad to not want to be used like a tissue and then thrown out? Is it so bad to want to spend life with someone that truly cares about how you feel? (This sounds like the start of an imfomercial, watch out, I might try to sell you a ShamWow in these next coming paragraphs.)
I feel so alone. Every. Single. Day. It's exhausting. I don't think the feeling has ever hit me this hard. I don't think the emotions have ever been so overtaking and all-encompassing. Sometimes you want to gush about stuff you love to someone you love, show them the things you find interesting. Sometimes you wanna be there for a person no matter what, and know that they want to do the very same for you. Sometimes you just want to sit in a comfortable silence with someone. Sometimes, you just want to feel loved and wanted and cared about.
Of course, these are all things that can be platonic, but they're just, so different in a non-platonic lens. The connection is truly different. Is that so bad?
(That was a very weird ShamWow advert. Marketing these days.)
Blog #5 - Trauma responses - 11/11/2024
I realized something today, my brain is used to being ignored and abused
Like, it's really hard of me to ask anything of anyone. To interact feels like
a fucking death sentence. For example, every time I ask someone to respect my triggers,
my brain automatically prepares for the person to either respond in a dismissive manner
or just not respond at all as if I never said anything. I love my friends and I know they wouldn't treat me like this but it's just a response that my brain has defaulted to because of ✨trauma✨
Blog #4 - 11/3/2024
It's been so long, holy shit
Frankly I just kinda left this place to rot since it was super ouddated
and I was genuinely too lazy to update it.
As the enshittification of the web increased day by day though, I genuinely felt
that I needed a place to blog that was made BY ME and not located on some random
billion dollar companie's server, able to be deleted at any time they wanted just
because of who I am. (COUGH, COUGH, TUMBLR, COUGH)
I also just think it's nice to have my own little corner of the net.
Blog #3 - 5/26/2021
Got my Laptop back!!!
Blog #2 - 4/28/2021
My laptop has been in for repairs for 8 days now :C
i don't need it
Blog #1 - 4/27/2021
Test test test test
